Forgiveness (the sequel)

 After last week’s post, a few people mentioned the problem of forgiveness.  CS Lewis put it this way: “Everyone thinks forgiveness is wonderful, until they have something to forgive.”  What do you do when someone hurts you so deeply that you find you cannot forgive them?  Or what do you do if you are the one who has hurt someone who simply will not forgive you?

First, I believe there is a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation.  Reconciliation requires both parties to want to put the past hurts behind them and heal the relationship.  Forgiveness sometimes needs to be one-way. It means to let go of the bitterness and decide not to seek revenge.

Reconciliation, in the Greek, is a boating term used to describe eliminating dangerous leaks between two ribs of the boat, making the ship water-tight.  It requires confession and apology, atonement and repentance.  That is, one must make a costly payment out of one’s own wealth (spiritual, physical or financial) to atone for the damage done.  And then we must change our behavior, go back to the Right Path, so that the other person knows we will not hurt them again.  It is the atonement that is the tricky part.  How do we pay someone back for murder, adultery, betrayal?  How can you make a payment on something that is beyond price?

Corrie Ten Boom described meeting a Nazi guard who had tortured her and her sister at Ravensbruck Concentration Camp.  Her sister died in the camp.  Corrie was released through an “accidental” clerical error (read: “miraculous” - this should never have happened).  Years later, she was speaking on the power of forgiveness and after her talk, the guard approached her and said he had become a Christian.  He believed he had God’s forgiveness and asked if she could forgive him.  She wrote afterward that she did not have any desire to.  This was a man who had been so cruel and vicious.  But in the moment between him asking and her responding, she prayed to God for help and found she was able to raise her arms, and the moment she touched him, forgiveness flowed through and overwhelmed them both.  

What about when the other person is not sorry for what they did?  We must still love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us.  Note, Jesus does not command us to treat everyone as a friend.  This command does not give people license to hurt us.  It is giving up the hatred and bitterness, the desire for revenge.  It is remembering the grace and mercy we have been offered knowing we don’t deserve it.  Jesus, God in human form, became our atoning sacrifice so that we might be forgiven.  Thus, we forgive, but we are not told to forget.  God will forget our sins (I think that is figurative, not literal), but we can continue to be wary that this person we are commanded to love may not love us back.

Here is the amazing part.  If you let go of that hatred and forgive, even if the other person is not sorry, you will release the poison that has been coursing through your veins.  

If you cannot forgive someone, ask God to help you forgive.  Sometimes, as Lewis wrote, we must forgive someone 490 times for the same thing.  Be patient with yourself, and keep asking God for help.  And if you cannot get someone to forgive you, be persistent with your kindness, gentleness, humility and love.